Let’s talk about the word “but” for a moment. It is a word that we use so often, we don’t even realize it–myself included! I realized I used the word “but” a lot when I did an improv class. I was instructed to say “Yes, and,” during an exercise to set my improv partner up for expansion on a topic. Instead, I found that I, and several others in the class, ended up shutting down the exercise with a but! “Yes, but.” For example, your improv partner says, “We are going to picnic in the forest today.” Notice what happens if you say “Yes, and then we went for a hike,” versus “Yes, but we went for a hike.” Do you hear the difference? More importantly, do you feel the difference in tone?

It was an eye opening experience for me. I started paying attention to speech and I began to notice how much myself and others use the word in a way that shuts down others in our daily interactions. Merriam dictionary defines the use of the word “but” as a conjunction and a preposition. It’s most commonly used as a conjunction to mean “except for the fact.” In this context, the “but” negates the first part of the sentence. When we use this word in response to other’s expressions, we have a recipe for invalidation and relational conflict.

Have you ever tried to tell someone how you felt hurt, angry, guilty, scared, or another big emotion and the person’s response was something like “Yeah, but…”? How did you feel at that moment? I would venture to say unseen, unheard, or unsupported. Other ways people use the word “but” might “I’m sorry, but…” which does not feel like an apology.

Our word choices matter. Let’s work together to drop the “but” and embrace the “and” so we can set our relationships to expand.