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When Matrescence Is Not What You Expected: Grief in Pregnancy and Postpartum

As I sit here reflecting on the last few years of my experience of matrescence, defined as the process of becoming a mother, I have noticed themes of anger, resentment, and frustration coming up for me. When I have explored these emotional themes, I realized the thread of grief tying it all together.

My experience of pregnancy and my postpartum experience was not what I expected at all. I had blissful images of rubbing my belly and feeling those little baby kick while eating strange combinations of foods as my pregnancy cravings and hormones would demand. My birth experience was going to be magical and moving. I was going to have an unmedicated, spontaneous birth at 40 weeks. I was going to labor at home for as long as possible until shuttling to the hospital to quickly deliver the precious child I was carrying. I pictured myself basking in the oxytocin and endorphins of the “Golden Hour” while staring at this little human I had just birthed from my body, and quickly getting this baby latched to my breast. None of this was my actual experience and I am sad about it. I wish my experiences had been different.

"None of this was my actual experience and I am sad about it."

My experience of pregnancy was of constant sickness and exhaustion, while my health concerns were ignored by my prenatal medical providers. My birthing experience ended up being a traumatic preterm birth where I felt powerless and belittled by my medical providers. I also struggled postpartum. Breastfeeding was a challenge. Sleep was nonexistent. I did not feel supported by society, by my medical providers, by my social support. Pregnancy, birth, and postpartum was nothing of what I expected, and nobody warned me about this. I felt as if I was left alone to navigate motherhood without the necessary supports.

Perhaps some of all of what I said resonates with your experience. I imagine that is why you are here reading this blog post; searching for answers on how to process your matrescence experience.

Here is your permission to grieve what was not. To grieve what you missed. I too grieve the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience I envisioned; the experiences that never were. Grief in perinatal period often appears limited to those who miscarry, or experience stillbirth or infant loss based on how society and mass media portray it. Yet there are many individuals who are grieving the loss of an experience that was never received. It is okay to grieve your fallen expectations. It is natural. You clearly cared so deeply for this experience and when it was not delivered to you, of course you are feeling sad or angry or disappointed about it. Of course. It is a valid reaction.

“Hello, Grief. Nice to see you again. May I sit awhile with you?”

Sit with this grief and sadness until you are ready to move on from it or visit this place in brief stints. I mean, let us be honest, you do have something important to tend to (your beautiful baby!) and it may be unreasonable to sit and process the entirety of your grief in one go. But what I am saying is to befriend your grief. “Hello, Grief. Nice to see you again. May I sit awhile with you?” Each time you sit with your grief, you nurture yourself. You validate your experience, or lack of, and affirm your relationship to yourself. You are giving yourself the gift to heal this part of you. As you sit with your grief, you begin to grow and build a capacity to sit with it longer. You learn that you can do hard things. The grief never shrinks or goes away; you grow around it, and you create space around this grief for joy, love, affection, bonding, and contentedness to coexist.